Fanfiction Patrol!
by JoeldeBunchastu
Summary: A new series that strives to mend bad SI! Note: Has ALIENS crossover...
1. Episode 1: No Need For A Fanfiction Pat...

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This fic was to try to stop people from writing bad SI fiction. Although this is probably not the best one, beacuse it technically IS SI, my characters are not infinitely powerful, etc. as a lot of SI is. (Hey, there are quite a few good ones, but there aren't as many, unfortunately.) BTW, SI means "Self-Insertion". Also, when the characters act OOC, it's to reflect the imaginary SI author's influence. Well, here we go!  
  
-Joel Dao-Zi Kh'as  
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FANFICTION PATROL, PART 1: NO NEED FOR A FANFICTION PATROL!  
  
THE PLACE: THE MASAKI HOUSEHOLD  
  
THE TIME: PRESENT  
  
A mysterious figure had been causing havoc throughout the Masaki Household. He had defeated Tenchi, Katshuito, Kagato, Dr. Clay, and every person who would challenge him. He had also, using the 'Aura of Smooth', gotten every female character of the cast to fall in love with him, etc. He had even outsmarted Washuu and improved on all of her designs. Luckilly, Noboyuki, the only one not affected at all by any of these factors, had consulted Washuu as to what he was.  
  
"Washuu, who was that strange person who seemed to be all powerful?" asked Noboyuki.  
  
"He said his name was SRET328," said Washuu, dreamily, who unfortunately was also under the author's spell.  
  
"Well, I think that we should probably do something to stop him. He's already taken over all of Japan, and is ordering the Japanese populace to erect a statue dedicated to his greatness..." said a wary Noboyuki.  
  
"Who cares?" asked Washuu.  
  
"...Ok... Washuu, can I use one of your trans-dimensional messangers?" asked Noboyuki  
  
"Sure..." stated Washuu, not really listening to what he had just said.  
  
*Noboyuki finds the Trans-Dimensional-Messenging-Device (TDMD) and activates it*  
  
"Help, anyone?!? There is some guy who's extremely powerful and he's ripping the world apart! Please help!"   
  
Luckily, this frantic call for help was heard by the Fanfiction Patrol...  
  
Yes, the Fanfiction Patrol! Made up of the Author Joel Dao-Zi Kh'as and various anonymous authors, they strive to keep all Fandom from bad fanfiction. Unfortunately, their forces are strained, so they can't always prevent it from going out.   
  
"Sir, we've got a class-three SI author invading the Tenchi Universe sector." said a lieutenant at the FFP headquarters in a secret facility near Quantico, VA.  
  
"Ok, prepare the Dimensional Teleporter. I'll get that scum..." declared Joel Dao-Zi Kh'as.  
  
JDK then stepped into the teleporter, and unfortunately, did not teleport to the fic. In fact, he had just teleported into the living room of the author's house.  
  
"What the hell?!?!" screamed Joel the author.  
  
"WHO ARE YOU?!?" screamed JDK back.  
  
"I'm the author of this fanfiction," replied Joel.  
  
"You mean I'M a work of fiction?!" asked JDK, unbelieving.  
  
"Well, you are," said Joel.  
  
"I'm getting out of here...." said JDK. He then was teleported out of the place.  
  
"Hmm. That was interesting." Joel said, and then went back to typing.  
*At the Masaki Household, approx. 5 hours later*  
  
"Geez, we really have to get that teleporter fixed..." thought Joel. "I've even been to an alternate dimension where I was writing this fanfiction! Weird!" (Yes, weird, huh? -Joel Dao-Zi Kh'as ^-^;;)  
  
Unfortunately, at just that moment, it appeared he had teleported into the worst place imaginable to be if you're a threatening looking stranger: Washuu's lab...  
  
*END OF PART ONE*  
  
JDK: Well, it's certainly been a weird day!  
  
Washuu: I'll say... who are you?!? And what are you doing in my lab?  
  
JDK: Oh no. Well, stay tuned for the next episode in the New Fanfiction Series: No Need For Authors!  
  
Ryoko: It's unquestionably weird!  
  
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Author's Notes: Well, how'd you like it? I thought I was being original in this kind of story at first, but then I saw several similar fics... I'm just saying this so that you know I wasn't trying to copy off them.   
  



	2. Episode 2: No Need For Authors!

Author's Notes: Well, this is the second episode in the series. Hope you liked the first one! BTW, as I said before, all characters acting OOC are acting that way because of the imaginary SI author's influence (I.E. SRET328) Well, here we go...  
  
-Joel Dao-Zi Kh'as  
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FANFICTION PATROL!  
  
EPISODE TWO: NO NEED FOR AUTHORS!  
  
"WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY LAB?!?" screamed Washuu.  
  
"I'm Joel Dao-Zi Kh'as, aka Joel. I'm here to save you from the Rogue Author, SRET328." stated Joel.  
  
"What!? You're going to kill Sret? No way! I'll kill you before that happens!" screamed Washuu  
  
"Oh man, he's already started manipulating the characters. Well, I guess I'm gonna have to-RUN! AHHHH" the reason for this interjection was the robotic search-and-destroy droids which Washuu had constructed for this very purpose.  
  
Joel ran out of the lab, running into Noboyuki on the way.  
  
"AHHH! WHO ARE YOU?!?!?" screamed Noboyuki.  
  
"I am Joel Dao-Zi Kh'as," who was rather tired of having to introduce himself, "But you can call me Joel. I replied to your distress call."  
  
"Oh, you mean someone got my message? Well, you took your sweet time getting here. That mysterious guy, SRET328, has already started taking over China, by himself. He's got about 75% of it already..." said Noboyuki  
  
"Well, I'm sort of in a hurry right now..." said Joel, Nervously, for those same two bots were breaking down the barrier he had made to the door to Washuu's lab.  
  
"Why don't you just destroy them?" asked Noboyuki.  
  
"I'm not all powerful, unlike that author guy! I can only get rid of SI authors..." *Wait a second!,* thought Joel, * I've got an EMP generator from when I was randomly teleporting! Why can't I remember these kind of things?!?*  
  
Joel pulls out an RPG-thing which shoots EMP missles.  
  
"This should do the trick..." said Joel.  
  
"Err... what is that?" asked Noboyuki.  
  
"It's an EMP gun. Don't ask any more questions."  
  
The Barrier soon broke down, and the two droids rushed at Joel. Joel aimed, with expert marksmanship, and....  
  
"CRAP I MISSED! RUN!!!!" screamed Joel, and then ran for his life, while trying to reload the EMP gun.  
  
"WAIT FOR ME!" screamed Noboyuki.  
  
Joel, unfortunately, falls when he trips over a step, due to his running. Luckilly, he keeps rolling forward, out the door, unnoticed by Tenchi et al. Noboyuki follows, and he is followed by the droids.  
  
"Did you hear something, Sasami?" asked Tenchi.  
  
"No, why?" asked Sasami  
  
"Oh, nothing. I just thought I heard a boom..." said Tenchi, thoughtfully.  
  
In fact, this boom was caused by Joel's yet again misfiring of the EMP blast, and the explosion of the EMP gun.  
  
*Just outside the Masaki Household*  
  
"Owie..." said Joel.  
  
Luckilly, the droids did not chase him farther, for they were only supposed to get rid of people from the inside and the grounds of the Masaki Household, not get rid of people outside the grounds.  
  
Joel, although relieved the droids were not chasing him, was sort of mad at the fact that he was totally charred from the blast.   
  
"Well, looks like it is time to get my secret weapon... THE CAMOPACK!" screamed Joel, who was in a dramatic, anime-style stance.  
  
"Umm... that's interesting, but how do you plan to get rid of this SRET328 guy? After all, I'm guessing all the camopack does is give you camoflague, right?"   
  
*Anime Style Sweat drop "Err... yes. However, I WILL be able to find a weakness in the author's defense." stated Joel.  
  
*Noboyuki Sweatdrops*  
  
"Sure. Whatever you say." said Noboyuki, unconvinced.  
  
*END OF PART TWO*  
  
Washuu: Well, finally I got rid of that guy, whoever he was.  
  
Joel: That's what you think! Next time in the New Fanfiction Series, I will try to disguise himself as Azusa, Emporer of Jurai!   
  
Noboyuki: However, it might not work too well....just like all your other stuff.  
  
Joel: Hey! I'm bound to get it right some time! Well, see ya untill the next installment of the new Fanfiction Series: No Need For Disguises! It's unquestionably cloak and dagger!  
  
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AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, any questions or comments should go to: moussethereal@yahoo.com.  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Episode 3: No Need For Imitators!

Author's Notes: Yes, I know. It took me a LONG time to get the next chapter up. But to be honest, it wasn't my fault, it was my tendency to buy ALIENS games, movies, etc. And then watch them, play them, etc. And forget what I'm doing for extremely long periods of time. ^_^ Gomen Nasai.   
-Joel Dao-Zi Kh'as  
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FANFICTION PATROL!  
  
PART THREE: No Need For Imitators!  
  
  
*Outside the Masaki Household*  
  
Joel had been training for quite a while now, and felt prepared to go in undercover at the Masaki Household. He activated the Camopack and Disguised himself as Azusa, Emporer of Jurai... or at least he thought he had  
  
"Hmm... guess I was wrong, Joel" said Noboyuki.  
  
"Of COURSE you were! Did you REALLY think any of MY inventions would be defective?!?" said Joel, exasperated.  
  
"Umm... I hate to tell you this..." said Noboyuki  
  
"What? Out with it! What is it?" asked Joel, rather tense.  
  
"Well... you are disguised, but not as Azusa. Look at yourself..." said Noboyuki, VERY nervous.  
  
Joel then looked down and noticed that he had just camoflaged himself as Aeka, sans robes. Joel then frantically messed with the device until it made him look like Azusa.  
  
"Hah! I told you my invention worked perfectly! I just accidently inputed the wrong numeral into the keypad!" said Joel, triumphantly.  
  
Joel then went on to the house, and knocked on the door.  
  
"Sasami, could you get the door?" asked Aeka, who was of course under the influence of SRET328 and was unable to stop giving SRET a massage.  
  
Sasami went to answer the door and of course wasn't prepared to see Azusa, aka Joel, at the door.  
  
"Father! What are you doing here?" asked Sasami, amazed.  
  
"Erm... well, ahh..." said Joel, *I should have thought of an excuse...* thought Joel. "Ahh, yes, I'm here to present Kiyone with the Juraian badge of Honor."  
  
"Kiyone isn't here right now. She's on patrol with Mihoshi. And I don't think there is such a award, but whatever..." said Sasami.  
  
"When will she be back? And when did she leave?" asked Joel, hoping that SRET still hadn't influenced Kiyone and Mihoshi at least.  
  
"They left just before that SRET guy arrived and defeated all of our foes..." said Sasami.  
  
"Hmm... ok, then. I will see you later, Sasami. Where is Aeka, per chance? And who is this SRET person?"  
  
"I don't know who SRET is, but whoever he is, Aeka and Ryoko sure like him a lot... more than Tenchi even..." said Sasami, unsure of herself. "Everything's just been strange lately, and it's scaring me..."  
  
"Don't worry, Sasami, I'm sure everything will be fine..." said Joel, disguised as Azusa. "Well, since Kiyone isn't here, I'll have to come back later. Say hello to Aeka for me!" Joel then ran off, leaving Sasami at the door.  
  
*It's worse than I thought,* thought Joel. *I really have to do something soon. Well, I better go back to HQ for now, meditate on the problem, etc.*  
  
Joel then called for the teleporter operator to get him out of the fic. Unfortunately, the teleporter malfunctioned again and he was caught on LV-426 during the ALIENS time period.  
  
"NOT AGAIN!!!" Yelled Joel.  
  
"Oh, sorry man. The Teleporter has broken, and it'll take a few days to fix. Sorry again."  
  
"Arghh, I am in DEEP trouble."  
  
"Hey, who are you? Are you one of the colonists?" asked Ripley.  
  
*END OF PART THREE*  
  
Joel: Well, looks like I'm going to have to run for a while... I hope that the teleporter operator fixes the teleporter soon, or I might be Xenomorph food.  
  
*Random Author*: HEY! What are you doing in my story?  
  
Joel: Argh, I've intruded upon ALIEN fanfiction. Well, hopefully I'll have some help.  
  
Tenchi: What am I doing here? WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?!?!?  
  
Joel: Stay tuned for the next part of the Fanfiction patrol Saga:  
Adventures in Fanfiction Space Part One!  
  
Tenchi: It's unquestionably contrived!  
  
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Author's Notes: Well, I hope you liked this part... please R+R  
-Joel Dao-Zi Kh'as  



	4. Adventures in Fanfiction Space Part 1!

  
  
Author's Notes: Well, I've started the series back up! *And there was   
much rejoicing ^_^* Anyway, of course, this fic will feature Joel, and   
Tenchi for the Tenchi Muyo part. I will try to make him stay in   
character, of course. Oh, and btw, this part will be quite a bit more   
serious than my other parts, but I thought it needed some serious parts.   
Don't worry, this whole episode isn't going to be totally serious, but   
it's not going to be as silly as the other ones i did. Well, general   
disclaimer should be inserted here. On with the fic!  
-Joel Dao-Zi Kh'as  
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Fanfiction Patrol! Special Mini-Series: Adventures In Fanfiction   
Space, Part One!  
  
By Joel Dao-Zi Kh'as  
  
*LV-426, Hadley's Hope Colony*  
  
"Sorry, I'm not one of the colonists," said Joel, "but I do know that   
something out of the ordinary has just happened, am I right?" asked   
Joel  
  
"Well, you'd be right about that. Some-some things have infested that   
atmosphere processor, and we're all in deep trouble until the platoon's   
synthetic, Bishop, can remote-pilot a Dropship down..." said Ripley.  
  
"Err... what are you talking about? Joel, you don't even know who she   
is, nor she you. Heck, I don't know who you are. Could you please   
introduce yourself?!?"  
  
"Ok, then. You can call me Joel. You could say that I'm a... soldier   
of fortune, of sorts. I go wherever there's trouble, and try to   
correct it, and collect my reward." said Joel.  
  
"So, you're a bounty hunter..." said Ripley, rather unsure of Joel.  
  
"Not really, but that description will suffice for now..." *I can't   
tell them who I really am... would disrupt continuity too much...*  
  
"Well, whatever you are, we don't have much to offer in the way of   
food, or weapons, etc. Most of it was lost in that Dropship wreck over   
there..." said Ripley, pointing to a pile of debris outaside the   
facility.  
  
"Man, you're lucky..." said Tenchi, staring at the wreckage.  
  
"Actually, I think the dead are really luckier now... if those things   
I talked about before get in this facility, we have virtually no   
chance." stated Ripley, matter-of-factly.  
  
"Th-Things?" asked Tenchi, very nervously.  
  
"Yes, things. They have acid for blood, LOTS of teeth, and are as   
fast as hell. If you're captured by them, they'll lay something in you,   
and you'll 'hatch', and i'd imagine it's VERY painful..." said Ripley,   
unusually coldly.  
  
"Well, that just sounds fine and dandy..." said Joel. "Well, how long   
till there 'things' get here?"  
  
"Sometime in the night, I suppose. At least that's what the girl we   
found said..." said Ripley. "We lost contact with this colony two weeks   
ago. That means this girl has survived at least that long, hiding in   
the air shafts too small for them to get inside, so I think she's pretty   
good at determining their 'sleeping' patterns. Any more questions?"   
asked Ripley.  
  
"No, I think I have a bit too much info already," said Tenchi, who was   
shaking at the prospect of these creatures.  
  
"Well, I think I won't have to worry you too much about draining your   
weapons supplies..." said Joel, who pulled out a standard issue C-10   
Canister Rifle.  
  
"What does that thing fire? And where'd you get it from?" asked   
Ripley, amazed.  
  
"It fires grenade-bullets which explode on impact. Where I got it   
from doesn't much concern you..." said Joel, in an unusual-for-him serious   
tone.  
  
In fact, Joel had gotten it from a dying Ghost commando when he was   
warping through time and space for 5 hours just before he arrived at the   
Masaki Household. When he saw his face through the helmet, it looked   
just like his own, except for a scar at the chin. This is one of the   
many possibilites you get when you warp around dimensions...  
  
"Well, you better hope you don't fire that when you're anywhere near   
one of those xenomorphs. Acid blood will splash all over you. Did you   
bet on that, mister solder-of-fortune?" asked Ripley.  
  
*Oi, I forgot about that...* thought Joel.  
  
"Well, there's the same risk associated with those pulse rifles, isn't   
there?" said Joel.  
  
*END OF PART FOUR*  
  
Joel: Man, this is getting sort of dark.   
  
Ripley: Hmmm... what's this you're doing?  
  
Joel: Never Mind! Arghh, there goes the fourth wall! Anyway, in the   
next part of the Fanfiction Patrol Miniseries, I accidently get lost in   
the Hive!  
  
Ripley: It's unbelivably Pathetic! Mainly because I save him!  
  
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Author's Notes: You know the drill. All comments go to   
moussethereal@yahoo.com  
  
  



	5. Adventures In Fanfiction Space Part Two!

Author's Notes: Thank you for all of your reviews, everyone who reviewed this story. It's encouraged me to continue. This part will be part 1.5 of this mini-series, seeing as I couldn't fit the rest of the episode into the last chapter... (Couldn't stay on the computer long enough and I needed to publish it THEN or it would be deleted.) Anyway, this part will not be AS serious as the last one, but still won't be extremely light-hearted... anyway, I hope you enjoy the fic! Standard Disclaimer goes here... and by the way, the plot of Aliens has been changed a bit in this story, seeing as I can't remember everything that happens, and I don't want to totally plagarize anything.  
-Joel Dao-Zi Kh'as  
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Adventures in Fanfiction Space Part 1.5!: No Need For Aliens, Part Two!  
  
*A few days after the last installment*  
  
Luckilly, the pressure door at the end of a service tunnel the aliens were using to traverse between the colony and atmosphere processor had been sealed off and gun turrents had been put in front of it. They were safe for the moment, or so it seemed...  
  
*Ops Room*  
  
"Ok, people, that was a great idea. We're safe, for the moment at least. However, unless we can get the dropship from the Sulaco online and down here, we are in deep trouble. Now, I know it isn't the most fun job in the world, but it needs to be done. Who's going to go to the external antenna and patch in with a terminal? It's the only way we can get it down.  
  
"Man, I'm not going, not with those critters runnin' around, man! You can count me out!" said Hudson.  
  
"My sentiments exactly!" said Tenchi, who was as obviously frightened by the prospect as Hudson was.  
  
"Well, I'd go, except for the fact that I would probably freeze if I encountered one of the things." said Joel, "Freeze, or shoot and get covered in acid."  
  
"I'll go..." said Bishop.  
  
"Yeah, that's right! Send the robot! Great idea, man!" said Hudson, enthusiastic about not having to go.  
  
"Believe me, I'd rather not," said Bishop, "I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid."  
  
They then cut a hole in the service duct for Bishop to go in through. He was offered a pistol, but he declined, and then started to speak.  
  
"Time will get short," said Bishop. "It'll take quite a bit of time to fly the Dropship down to the surface, then we'll have to prep it, and also prep Gorman for going on the dropship. That'll leave about 25 min. to get out of here before the processor blows."  
  
"WHAT?!?!" screamed Tenchi, "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE PROCESSOR BLOWING?!?!?!?!?"  
  
"Sorry, but we forgot to tell you..." said Hicks, sheepishly.  
  
"Well, anyway, good luck, man." said Joel, who then sealed the hole in the duct shut.  
  
Suddenly, the alarm went off.  
  
"CRAP! They're at the pressure door!" screamed Hicks.  
  
Everyone ran to the Ops room and Hicks monitored the sentry guns' terminals.  
  
"Man, we're runnin out fast..." said Joel, nervously.  
  
"Yeah, but we're also gettin a lot of 'em. Look at em explode!" said Hudson, invigorated by the sight of the dying aliens.  
  
"Uh oh, only 20 rounds left.... now 5... we're dry..." said Hicks.  
  
A loud pounding could be heard throughout the Ops room.  
  
"Well, they're trying to get in now..." said Joel. "I suggest we all arm ourselves with whatever we can, and get ready for a retreat."  
  
"I'm all for that, man." said Hudson and Tenchi, at the same time.  
  
They then sealed off the door to ops, and then prepared for the aliens to get there, but a strange anonamaly showed up on Hudson's tracker.  
  
"Man, it's saying they're inside the room..." said Hudson, worriedly.  
  
"That's impossible! Unless.... oh crap..." said Joel, who then stood on a table and lifted up a section of the ceiling and looked around with his flashlight, and could see hundreds of aliens crowding around him crawling on the inside of the ceiling...  
  
"AHHH!!!!" screamed Joel, as he fell and started shooting at the ceiling, causing shrapnel and acid going everywhere, hitting Joel in the left arm.  
  
"ARGH!!" screamed Joel, as the acid got him.  
  
"WE NEED TO MOVE! NOW!" screamed Hicks, and directed that all the people should follow him over to the medbay doors. Unfortunately, they had been welded together earlier.   
  
"DAMMIT!" screamed Hicks.   
  
"There's a airshaft here!" said Joel, and did the best he could at getting the grating off. Joel finally just said, "GET BACK!" and shot the grate off, deactivating the explosive bullets.  
  
"MARINES! WE ARE LEAVING!" screamed Hudson, as they started to get into the airshaft, Hudson leading the way since he had studied the blueprints of the place. Unfortunately, the aliens were not far behind them, and the only thing keeping them from gaining was Joel's shooting them one by one, but this only slowed them down. In addition, Joel was on top of an airgrate going down when an alien grabbed him from below. and Joel started screaming  
  
Joel started screaming "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"  
  
Tenchi tried to grab him, but it was too late. Joel then was knocked unconscious, and woke up inside the hive... suddenly, a voice started chattering over the radio, "Hey, man. Finally got it fixed. Do you want to be teleported now or later?"  
  
"NOW WOULD BE AN OPPORTUNE TIME!!!!" screamed Joel, as he was about to be infested. Luckily, the teleporter worked this time, and Joel got back to headquarters, and for some reason Tenchi was brought with him.  
  
"Man, you need a bath or something..." said the teleporter operator, seeing the resin all over Joel.  
  
"I just need to rest now... and put Tenchi back to his dimension. Be sure to nullify the memories of his travels outside his dimension!  
  
*END OF PART FIVE*  
  



End file.
